To Save Their Souls
by LadyJessmyn
Summary: What started as a one shot for a prompt on BSN, grows into more. Jaina Surana, in fear of choosing between love and the blight, spares Loghain and makes him a warden. Her impulsive quest to save one soul, shatters two. Rated M because it may need it later
1. Chapter 1

"_And what if you had to choose between saving your love and saving everyone else?"_ Wynna had asked while lecturing them on the irresponsibility of the relationship between the two wardens.

"_What if you have to choose between the warden you love and ending the blight?"_ Morrigan had asked Alistair as the walked through the Brecilian Forest.

The first she had largely ignored as the babblings of an old woman who'd never had love. The second made her suspicious. Morrigan was intelligent, and while not formally educated, possessed an amount of knowledge that couldn't be denied. This was how Jaina Surana found herself buried in books. She'd collected them in her travels. Some were from the tower, Gregoir told her to help herself after she saved the mages. Others were from Warden's Keep, and The Wonders of Thedas. Two were courtesy of Duncan on their journey to Ostagar. None of it was good.

All she'd been able to discern so far were two facts. The first, that only a Grey Warden could end the blight and kill the archdemon. The second, none had survived the act. It was nothing conclusive but woven with Morrigan and Wynne's questions, it was a concern. She had tried to convince him. He hadn't listened.

"Always with your nose in a book. I could think of better things to do. We have a bed you know, and you should be in it"

"Alistair…we need to talk" Jaina said, trying to ignore the temptation of his words and that seductive tone. "The landsmeet is tomorrow, this information is…disturbing. Did you know no Grey Warden has ever survived killing the arch demon?"

"You worry too much" he said rubbing her shoulders. "Duncan said many things that were assumed had been proven wrong, maybe this is one of them" he shrugged as he kissed her neck.

Jaina stood abruptly and turned to face him. "This is serious Alistair! One of us could die doing this if what I suspect is correct! There are only three wardens in the country, and Riordan is in no shape for battle!"

Alistair wrapped his arms around her, making soothing sounds in her ear. She was shaking he noticed, this was really spooking her. And that was saying something, Jaina was rarely spooked. Not even when facing down abominations and werewolves. She'd even stood strong when she confessed she was a blood mage.

"Hush love, there's not much we can do about that right now. Let's just enjoy the time we have before the landsmeet hmm?"

He should have listened then. He should have taken her more seriously. Instead he brushed it off. Believing with all of his heart that Duncan surely would have told them this if it were true.

The weather was as dark as his mood as he sat drinking his sixth, or maybe seventh pint. He'd lost count. He could hear the cheers around him, tempered with sadness.

"_The blight is over! Loghain died a hero!_"

It made him sick. He'd trusted her. He'd somehow managed to get past the fact that she was a blood mage. He'd admired all of her choices. She'd resolved the Werewolf curse without having to kill either side. She'd saved the mages and aided the templars at the tower after all she'd been through there. By the maker she'd found a mythical urn for the Arl and saved his life, how could she have done this?

She'd only known Riordan for a few days, she'd known him for over a year. He'd loved her for as long. When Riordan gave no more information than "Compelling reasons" she'd agreed with him. She'd made that bastard Loghain a warden. Of all things, now he was a hero. He'd died killing the arch demon. 

"_They say the Warden that kills the archdemon has to die, did you hear? My maid heard it from her daughter that works at Redcliffe. She overheard them discussing it.__ Destroys their soul it does_" A voice whispered behind him to their companion.

That couldn't be true could it? Duncan hadn't told him that. He still believed after all this time, that it couldn't be true if Duncan hadn't told him.

"_You idiot, she did it to save you. To save your love. To NOT make the choice that Wynne and Morrigan threatened. And you left her. You left her alone._"

The little voice in the still not drowned logical part of his brain chided. If he could just make it shut up! All he wanted to do was believe she had betrayed him. That made it easier. He didn't want to remember warm nights by the fire. He didn't want to remember how she'd trusted him enough to bare her soul, confess to blood magic. He didn't want to remember the look of shock mixed with happiness when he told her he loved her regardless. He certainly didn't want to remember the pleading look in those slate grey eyes that begged "trust me, please just trust me" as she'd uttered the words that spared Loghain's life.

He didn't want to consider that maybe he was the one that betrayed her. No. Betrayed was the wrong word. She'd made an impulsive decision that he couldn't forgive. Was it a betrayal? It felt like it to him. What he did was abandon her. He abandoned his home, his oath, his friends.

He heard the tinkling of metal on the table in front of him. Suddenly the ring he gave her was laying in front of him. A silverite woven band. When he looked up and unmistakable face was across the table from him.

"Ahh my dear friend Alistair, aren't you just the mess. Let me see, anger, self hatred, definite wish for death…yes, I recognize it all. In fact it seems to be contagious. Jaina looked much the same before Loghain knocked her out. Did you know she was going to sacrifice her self to kill it? She wanted to die. Because of guilt over _you_. Ironic isn't it? That after everything, it was _Loghain_ that saved her? And that she needed saving because of _you_." The former crow hissed these last words at him.

Alistair just stared.

"Do not worry. She is not here. In fact she's been sent to Amaranthine. Being the only Warden in Ferelden, she must go deal with the vestiges of the blight. I found her ring on her nightstand after she left, and thought I'd return it to the drunken 'prince' I'd heard rumors of."

"On her nightstand hmm? So I suppose you got what you always wanted Arainai" Alistair slurred. It figured the smooth talking Antivan would be right there to pick up the pieces.

Zevran let out a harsh laugh. "No. There are no pieces to pick up. She's turned it all off, cold, duty bound, no more laughing, and teasing. The changes in her…well let's just say she'd make an excellent crow. Oh and you weren't the only one to abandon her. Morrigan did too. I hope you are both happy with yourselves."

"Morrigan left? why?"

"It doesn't matter does it? It is done as far as you are concerned. I intend to find out, for Jaina, not for you. I do not abandon my friends Alistair. A shame that someone like me should value a person more than a fine upstanding templar like yourself." The assassin said as he walked away.

It didn't matter now. Loghain was dead, Jaina was nothing more than a painful memory that needed drowned. He was nothing more than a drunken bastard prince that was almost a templar, and almost happy once. The way things had turned out, he'd have almost been better off if Duncan had left him in that chantry. 


	2. Chapter 2

Not a day had passed that Jaina Surana hadn't wished she'd been the one to kill that arch demon. But no. She let a murdering, genocidal, paranoid, disgrace die a hero. And from all accounts, had let a good, honorable, truly decent man, the only man she'd ever loved, become a disgrace. That was the last report she'd had from Zevran at least. Alistair was holed up in a tavern waiting for a ship, drunk as Oghren on a bender. What did that make her? Oh right she knew that answer. It made her miserable, and alone.

Miserable, alone, and cold and wet in Amaranthine. Lovely really. She'd been escorted there by a knight named Mhairi who chattered exuberantly the. Whole. Way. She'd been greeted by darkspawn, who had pretty much eliminated every Warden in the keep and learned to speak. This left her with potentially four, if they survive the joining (which, she supposed was one more than she'd had for the battle of Denerim), and assuming she survived the impromptu visit from Anora. The only saving grace was Anders. A familiar face, a comforting presence, and a friend. Oghren was there, and he was familiar, it was true. However, he was also, like the most of the rest of her companions after that fateful landsmeet, bitter. He was already making use of the working kegs in the keep; Anders was still sleeping after the joining. Mhairi sadly didn't survive it, making Jaina feel badly for thinking ill of her chit chat. She'd handled business with Garavel, Varel, and that pinch faced uppity Woolsey woman, and had time to relax, and sulk a bit that she was still breathing. That's always when she got hit with the memories.

_Jaina had raced from that Landsmeet Chamber, back to Eamon's estate to try and stop Alistair from leaving. But there was no sign of him. From there she ran to camp, hoping maybe she'd catch him there. They'd had fights before, they always got past them. Even when she'd let Isolde sacrifice herself they go past it, surely they could get past this if she could just explain. Nothing. As she turned to leave, she found herself facing Leliana. The bard tore into her as if she'd never seen the inside of a chantry let alone been a cloistered sister. She'd wanted so badly to tell her why it happened but she couldn't. Grey Warden secrecy, which was part of the duty. Maker, she wasn't even sure still that it was true but she couldn't risk it. She tried to explain she wasn't ready to lead a whole ARMY, and Alistair hated leading, and Loghain was a good leader, but that fell on deaf ears. Wynne was next to tell her what a backstabbing bitch she had been. As if she didn't already know it. Oghren harrumphed and headed for a tavern. Morrigan, though they had grown close was being oddly distant. Only Zev proved to be a friend. Listening as she said over and over "I did it to save him!" and requiring no explanation past "it's a warden secret". He'd stayed by her side, holding her as she wept, getting her through the nightmares, and though she knew he'd like more, was happy just to be her friend. He was there through their return to Ostagar where every single turn had a memory of Alistair and Loghain and Wynne bickered like children adding to the pain of their leader. _

_The night before the battle was the last straw. That's when she was proven right. Riordan revealed that the reason no Warden that slew the Arch demon had lived, was because they absorb the soul and are destroyed. They aren't just killed; their soul takes the soul of the demon and is destroyed. That's all Jaina could hear, "destroying the soul of the warden". She knew she'd done the right thing. Loghain then not only understood why Wardens are in fact needed to kill the blight, but why she had spared him, besides his leadership. It was after this meeting, she'd found Morrigan in her quarters. It was here she got to walk a mile in Alistair's shoes. _

_Morrigan knew the entire time what it took to end blight. She'd known from the time she was sent with them. She'd known when she asked her question about choosing between each other and the blight. In fact, she asked that to test the waters for what she'd ask later. What she was asking now. And once again, Jaina knew she chose correctly. If she hadn't, it would have been Alistair's bastard child she asked for. It would have been HIM she wanted in her bed, to create whatever abomination her and her supposedly dead mother were trying to bring into the world. It was do this or die and Jaina decided then…death sounded pretty good. Morrigan, the woman who'd so emotionally called her a friend and sister just weeks prior, called her a fool and stormed out. Just when she thought she couldn't hurt any more. But it was only one more night. _

_Jaina slept that night, for the first time since Alistair had left her, knowing that it would be over soon. Zev begged her not to do it, she simply asked him to care for her hound, Deeohgee. . Wynne and Leliana ignored her completely unless they had to speak. Both had agreed to stay til the battle was over. Wynne would heal; Leliana would stay at the gates with Sten and Oghren. No one but Zev and the dog knew the plan. That plan went horribly wrong and landed her here. Just as they faced the Arch demon, just as it was ready to be killed, with one final blow, Loghain knocked her out. He took it himself. He died a hero. He'd left a note for her and another for Anora, explaining that this was his one chance at redemption. _

_When Jaina awoke in a cozy room back at Warden's Keep, Zev was there, he told her what had happened, and how he had her brought here for privacy to recover in not only mind, but he hoped in spirit. That's where the messengers found her, while Zev was out gathering wood. The Wardens wanted her in Amaranthine. It sounded like as good a sword to throw herself on as any. So she left the ring, and a note as she left. "Warden Business. Amaranthine. Get this to Alistair; tell him I'm sorry, I'll always love him. And Thank you Zev, you are a true friend, the best I'll ever have"_

"Excuse me… You there" Came a booming yet unfamiliar voice. Jaina opened her eyes. Oh no. She was having her memories in the fade? She must have drifted to sleep. She quickly looked for demons, as is a habit. Being a mage and a blood mage to boot made reliving bad memories in your sleep a dangerous thing.

"Do not worry, I am not a demon. I am a spirit." Said the voice again as it appeared before her glowing white and armored. Relief washed through her. She'd met the Spirit of Valor during her harrowing.

"What do you wish of me spirit?" She asked

"You have been dealt injustice? Betrayed by those closest to you. "He stated

"No, I betrayed him, not intentionally, but that matters little. I understand, I understood then. But I'm grateful he lives even if he hates me." She answered.

"I speak not of just this Alistair, but of your other friends."

Jaina shrugged. "It's nothing spirit, I deserved it."

"NO! You deserved the chance to explain!" He insisted

"Spirit, there are far bigger injustices in the world than these. The Wardens that were butchered here for a start, the families suffering from the effects the blight had upon the country…" She tried explaining

"I cannot deal with those things; I can only deal with matters here in the fade. I will do something. I know not what, but your injustice will be seen too" insisted the odd spirit

Jaina awoke to Anders nudging her shoulder. "Having good dreams Jaina? Were they about me? You had the biggest crush on me when you were a kid…or so I heard…." The blonde mage teased until she smacked him on the back of the head as she walked off to her room.

"Ow…what was that for?" Anders wondered to an empty room. As he stood there rubbing his head, she returned, pack and weapon in hand.

"Come on, with me. We have work to do."


	3. Chapter 3

_I have to add a shout out to Bell the Scribe for her awesome Beta work for me. I know it was a headache! And ya'll should go read her too! Apologies for the frequent and rapid perspective changes, there should be alot less as we move forward. I hope.  
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_Yes, Alistair is being a bit of a creepy stalker at the moment.  
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_Also: Musical credit goes to Collin Raye, and "I can Still Feel You"  
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* * *

_

Amaranthine didn't seem bad. And by 'not bad,' it meant there was a decent tavern. The Crown and Lion Inn was busy enough to hide in and still be ignored. Alistair had reserved a room, the only one with a view of the street, and preferred to have his drink there. He didn't know why he'd come here. He could have stayed in Starkhaven, but no, he came back. At the risk of seeing her again, he'd come back. He just couldn't…what was it Zev had joked about?...'Hop borders'. It turned out he was right. It wasn't all bad; he'd managed a deal with a local homestead to kill any darkspawn on their lands for a bit of coin per kill. At least he was good for that much he thought.

It was here that he sensed them come in. More wardens. He'd heard all the Orlesian wardens were slaughtered, but he could definitely feel two…three…oh Maker, it was her. Magic tickled the back of his throat whenever a mage was near.

But he could feel _her_, as if she were standing there caressing him. He shook his head and took a drink. This was not new, it happened every now and then. Only he knew she was near Amaranthine. It was just his mind playing tricks on him, and he'd wash it away. He was busily trying to do that when he heard voices across the hall.

* * *

They were busily searching Kristoff's room for any clue as to where he was.

"I can't believe you conscripted me, right there in front of the _queen_ and out from under the _Chantry_! That was amazing, and great, and did I say amazing? Yet, you won't help me with this!" Anders sputtered.

"Anders, you _saw_ what happened the last time I helped a friend find his phylactery, right? I know you saw that on your way to _solitary confinement_! If Duncan hadn't listened to Irving, or if he'd changed his mind after seeing…I'd have been sent to Aonar! You are a _Grey Warden_. They can't touch you. Trust me, I ran around for a year, doing not so great things, even as a blood mage and look…no chains!" Jaina tossed back, wildly waving her arms around in exaggerated demonstration.

"Pshhh, you should have escaped with me, not that idiot Jowan." Anders teased

Suddenly she was lost, in her own world with a letter in her hand.

_Dearest Kristoff,_

_My sister and her babe are well. I shall leave Jader as soon as they're settled. Expect me at Vigil's Keep within the month._

_Ferelden is cold and wet, so make sure your socks are dry before you put them on. I know how it is with men. You can slay a thousand darkspawn, but when it comes to clean clothes and dry socks, you're hopeless! I can't wait to see you._

_Love, Aura"_

She remembered Wynne being so indignant at finding Alistair's sock in her pack, and further disgusted at its condition, and that he'd wear it in such a memories always hit her at the most inconvenient of moments. She was trying her best not to burst into tears in front of her Wardens. But the letter in her hands, that could have been them. And suddenly, she swore…she could_ feel _him.

Nathaniel, picking up on her sudden discomfort, turned Anders toward a map on the wall. She caught Nate's eye and nodded a silent thank you as she collected herself while Anders and Nate found the answers they needed. Once she had her voice back she picked up where they'd left off.

"Oh? He was smart enough to go for his phylactery before he tried his escape." Anders gave his best 'you hurt me wittle feewings' look. Add that to the small hope her own phylactery might be there, and she knew she was lost. "Fine. Let's go. But then it's right back here. Let me freshen up in my room. Meet me downstairs."

Jaina walked around the corner and could swear again that she felt…but no. That was impossible. It was just the same trick her mind had played on her since _he_ left. It was always worse alone, and especially in her bed. She could swear she felt him beside her. Sometimes it gave her strength, other times it just brought sadness and pain. She kept walking until she found her room, and went inside. Once she closed the door she realized she wasn't alone and screamed.

* * *

It took all of Alistair's will not to run toward that scream. It was her, he felt it, he knew it, and most of all he'd never mistake that voice. Suddenly there was commotion out in the hall, he opened his door enough to see a golden haired mage running to her. She was still beautiful. The mage engulfed her in his arms as the darker haired man ran into the room. That could be him if he'd stayed. He watched as she looked up at Anders and pulled away.

* * *

Jaina appreciated Anders' friendship, but being held in his arms was too much. It was a kind gesture, but it reminded her too much of…_him._ "I'm…thank you, but it was just a ferret. It startled me. I'm ok. Really. Come on, let's go find this warehouse for you."

As they moved toward the stairs Jaina heard a door click. She couldn't explain why she felt the need to do so, but she walked to it. Again she felt him. Again she told herself it couldn't be. Yet she still gently placed a hand against the door.

* * *

He stood there, and shook in disbelief. He knew eventually he'd see her. But he didn't think it would be this soon. He would have to be careful. A part of him wanted to run, and part wanted to tell her off. But the biggest part wanted to love her again, he realized as he leaned his cheek against the door, and yet again felt as if her hand was there. He took another drink and threw himself on the bed. He laid there a moment and then decided to be foolish. He was going to follow them.

* * *

The Warehouse wasn't far and easily found. It was odd that it wasn't guarded. That should have been the first clue. They should have left then, but they didn't. They should have brought Nate, not sent him off to find his sister. But they didn't. They should have known it was a trap. But they didn't.

As they entered the back room, Rylock, the templar Jaina had stolen Anders from, confronted them with two of her men. Three Templars versus two mages weren't the best odds. The templars figured they'd have it easy taking down the two, but they were wrong. They were facing Jaina Surana. Hero of Ferelden, slayer of darkspawn, and she was suddenly bubbling with anger.

* * *

Alistair heard Jaina yell "You cannot touch him!" and battle broke out. He felt the holy smites shake the floorboards. Three templars against two mages, it was unfair. He should help, but he was unarmed and far from sober. He looked over his pile of crates to see Anders on the ground, but Jaina was still standing. She was a brilliant sight.

Staff raised, she slammed it to the ground, stunning all three. Without hesitation, she unleashed a ball of fire, knocking them off their feet. When Rylock stood up, she again drained Jaina's mana. She was so sure she had them then. All Alistair could do was watch, mesmerized by how much she had changed.

No longer was she, or did she seem to need to be protected by a shield bearing warrior.

Anders was still struggling to get up, Jaina was paler than he'd ever seen, and had no mana left. That's when he watched her use the dagger at her waist. She raised it, not at the enemy but at her hand. Drawing power from her own blood. She could have used Rylock's, but she didn't.

Just before Rylock could slam her wicked, spiked mace into Anders' head she was bombarded by Jaina's power. Alistair watched as the templar gasped for breath in a crushing prison, and saw the horror on her face when a magical bomb was injected into her. She looked once more at Jaina, trying to speak, and Jaina quietly said "You will not. Take. Him." As Rylock died at her feet and she sat to tend to her friend.

Why hadn't she stood up for him that way, he wondered as he crouched behind some crates. Then again, why had he stayed hidden when she could have used his help? What was wrong with him? He looked at the bottle in his hand, knowing _that_ was what was wrong with him, and drained it anyway while he listened to the pair.

"Wow, commander where did that come from? You saved my arse there, thank you." Anders had struggled to a sitting position to speak.

"Friends stick together, Anders. They don't abandon one another at crucial moments; they trust, they have faith, they stand with them." Jaina said with a passion neither expected.

"Jaina, what's happened to you? I...I know there is something eating at you. You're all business, you're not as…fun as I remember. You've never been so..._angry_. Who hurt you?" Anders asked as he healed her palm.

Jaina sighed, and finally told the whole story. What she'd done, what Alistair had done, what they had been to each other.

"But this anger…I, I've never had this anger. I've had sadness, I've had guilt, I've had complacency, even, but I'm suddenly so…mad!"

Anders chuckled. "Well, let's have it. Let it out. What are you mad about?"

Alistair wondered the same thing from his position behind the crates. As if _she_ had good reason to be mad; it was him that was betrayed. Or...was it?

"I loved him, dammit! I trusted him. Maker's breath, Anders, I gave him _everything_ I had. My heart, my soul, my love. We had arguments before, but we always made up. We always talked. There was always a 'when we get done here...' I figured that was no different. When Anora finally shut the hell up, I ran to our room, I ran to camp, and he was gone. He abandoned me! He never let me explain. I did it to save us both. I did it to help us win the battle." She paused and looked at Anders, who was listening attentively.

"I want you to know this now. If there is a blight, you _need_ to know that the warden that kills the archdemon dies. They absorb the essence into their soul, and that soul is destroyed. I suspected the death part. That's why I wanted to let Loghain join. So he could take that blow, and so he could lead the army. I…I didn't think I could do it. Lead the army. I know better now. I lost the man I loved, because I wouldn't let him _die_. I lost my friends, because I wouldn't let him _die_. I'm angry at myself for being selfish. I'm angry at him for leaving me. I'm angry that I have to be commander, and I'm angry…_so angry_ that I didn't die on top of Ft Drakon." She paused, her eyes damp, and hands shaking. "I can still hear the last thing he said to me. _'I guess I always knew I didn't deserve to be this happy. I never thought it would end this way for us, I had these dreams...they don't matter now. Take care of yourself.'_ And he turned his back on me, on us, on everything. He should be commanding with me, but I..." She couldn't continue anymore.

"I'm sorry, love, would you like me to hit him with lightning? I'm pretty good at that, trust me." Anders smiled as he let her lean on his shoulder, trying to lighten the mood. They got up to head back to the inn.

"No, then you'd just get yourself smited again; he was a templar." She stopped to chuckle at Anders' shocked expression before she added "Not a full templar, he was conscripted before his vows. But thank you, I feel much better since talking a bit." She squeezed his hand, as if to reinforce the words. "The worst part is, I can still feel him. It's like…he's _right here_. Crazy right?" Jaina said as the pair walked away.

"Crazy is as crazy does." Alistair thought to himself from his cramped hiding spot. He imagined that secretly following the woman you abandoned and claimed to never want to see again _probably_ qualified as crazy, at the least. But as much as he didn't want to see her, he couldn't stay away from her. After hearing her side of things, he _almost_ understood. Unfortunately, understanding is a long way from forgiving. She sacrificed a lot that fateful day, but she took a lot from him as well. She took _his_ trust, _his_ faith, _his_ heart. She took away his chance to avenge _Duncan_, and his fellow wardens. He too remembered those last words. But more than that he remembered how her expression remained calm. He didn't think she'd cared. Was he _that_ wrong?


End file.
